Six COVID-19 Problems and Possible Solutions

The Eggplant knows that this is a tough time for Greylock students, and we also understand that problems rarely have a one size fits all solution. As such, we’ve decided to give three possible solutions for six potential problems, just so you can keep your options open. If you want to send us other solutions, just remember that ours are probably better and you’re not that smart.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: If you couldn’t tell from the above, Tucker-Smith is an Aries)

Problem: My senior trip to Boston was canceled. I really wanted to go to Boston.

• Solution 1: As a Western Mass native, I can tell you that Eastern Mass has always and  will always deserve to burn. Boston is pretentious. Louis C.K. grew up in Boston, and look how that turned out.
• Solution 2: Why go to Boston when you can make Boston come to you? Spring Street becomes Boston Commons, Margaret Lindley beach becomes Boston harbor, and Mt. Greylock’s co-football team is pretty similar to the Patriots now that Brady left. Replace Boston seafood with Western Mass Puerto Rican food (I watched a TikTok which claimed that Western Mass and Northern Connecticut are known for Puerto Rican food. Don’t question it.) Williams and Harvard are equivalent because all colleges are the same without students.
• Solution 3: Watch Spotlight, a GREAT journalism movie which should extinguish your Boston dreams and ignite your Echo aspirations. (Please ignore that the vast majority of this movie is set in Boston.)

Problem: I already bought a prom dress/tux, and now prom may be canceled so I won’t be able to use it.

• Solution 1: Take your dress to the Clark and try to fit it on one of the cows. If you bought two dresses, you can give another cow the udder dress. 
• Solution 2: Launch your modeling career. Put on your dress/tux, watch a few seasons of America’s Next Top Model (this is an important prerequisite only if you have not been to an America’s Next Top Model birthday party in the past few years like me). Then prop your phone up on the windowsill where there’s some good lighting, put on the timer, and pose. The Eggplant is happy to transition to Greylock Vogue if you submit your photos. 
• Solution 3: Send your dress/tux to Eggplant staff. We’ll pay you with a job on our staff!

Problem: I’m worried that colleges closing down will mean that I won’t be able to see colleges before applying. Also, the SATs are being canceled, and I’m generally concerned that my application process is going to be a mess. 

• Solution 1: Get in a boat, have your friend take pictures of you rowing, and have your rich mother bribe the crew coach at USC. You’re sidestepping the need for college tours/standardized tests, and we promise you that USC will get you out of all of the harsh winters your NESCAC friends will experience.
• Solution 2: Watch the first two seasons of Gossip Girl. Trust me on this one.
• Solution 3: Eat nutella crepes and cry while you watch virtual tours that may or may not be computer animations. 

Problem: My graduation is probably going to be virtual, and that sucks.

• Solution 1: Oh no. Instead of getting to sit through a three-hour ceremony, you have to play Animal Crossing on your phone while your peers and principal tell you how proud they are of you. You’re in your “rock star” geology pajamas, eating peanut butter and banana toast, sprawled out on the couch, watching the ceremony on the new laptop that your grandparents bought for you for your graduation, which you don’t even have to go to. Your diploma is virtual and has Parks and Rec gifs in the corners. Poor thing.
• Solution 2: Virtual graduation = less consequences if you make a scene. Have a new fire mixtape you’ve been working on that you just can’t wait to show to all your classmates’ moms? Feel like the Renegade dance that you spent the first 72 hours of quarantine learning isn’t being put to good use? Challenge accepted? Yeah, OK. You go girl.
• Solution 3: If your internet “accidentally,” breaks, that’s not your fault. Go skydiving instead.

Problem: You miss your friends.

• Solution 1: Go on a walk with them. If you mean you miss lying on the floor with your friends as you watch stupid TV and eat veggie sticks, wasting all your money to eat skillet cookies with your friends and talk about your feelings, and filming indoor music videos with your friends… then yeah, valid. I feel the same way.
• Solution 2: Stalk your friends. Leave encrypted notes on their windows. Scatter a literal bread crumb path that leads from their bedroom to, idk, their attic. If you can’t less-than-six-feet ‘em, spook ‘em! I don’t know why I feel like this could be fun.
• Solution 3: Become friends with the characters in Sex Education or another binge-worthy show. I can tell you that Maeve and I kind of have a unique bond.

Problem: The Coronavirus outbreak is scaring you.

Yeah, it’s pretty scary. This is an unprecedented time, and it’s ok to be terrified. Please remember that the way for us to get out of this mess is to listen to the message that medical professionals are communicating: that social distancing will dramatically shape the scope and rate that this virus spreads. If you want to talk to someone about the virus and how it’s making you feel, the Eggplant has people who want to listen to you! Hit us up at mountgreylockecho@gmail.com (mountgreylockeggplant@gmail.com was already taken lol).