News in Brief, plus some other stuff

MG reveals that recent sewage problems, not coronavirus, is the true reason behind the shortage of paper products in Williamstown. At this point, authorities believe that the blockage was caused by students flushing eighty percent of Williamstown’s paper towels down the toilets. The remaining twenty percent and the entirety of the town’s toilet paper were consumed in the ensuing clean up.

Science teacher Sue Strizzi has spent the first two weeks of this time off becoming fluent in Latin. She has decided that memorizing the endings of all third declension nouns will take less time than explaining that “Mr. Z” and “Ms. Strizzi” are distinct names and entirely different people. Say them out loud ten times fast and you’ll understand. 

Parents of upperclassmen are starting to panic as, for the third week in a row, their virtual Tuesday lunch meetings have been interrupted by their kids standing on the table, stating the day of the week, and encouraging them to “get going.” The meetings reportedly cannot resume until every participant on the Zoom call applauds.

Things we’ve done to avoid writing Echo articles (we get to the writing eventually, because most of us are Aries)

• Do homework
• Read the New York Times
• Clean room
• Scroll through social media
• Watch Netflix
• Do mini crosswords
• Create mini crossword competition spreadsheet
• Watch Parks and Rec
• Assign Parks and Rec characters to editors
• Send Parks and Rec gifs accordingly
• Read the Mueller report
• Stand in front of a mirror and take a long, hard look at yourself
• Solve world hunger
• Learn to knit
• Cut old Echos into snowflakes
• Watch every single Washington Post Tik Tok in one night
• Submit New Yorker cartoon captions
• Rate others’ New Yorker cartoon captions
• Solve Middle Eastern conflicts (all)
• Make a list of our favorite Taylor Swift songs
• Make a list of things we’ve done procrastinating writing Echo articles

COVID Overheard

• “Nobody is worried about global warming anymore because of coronavirus” — heard while wearing shorts on a 70 degree day in early March
• The bridge of Cruel Summer, which is exactly 20 seconds – heard by my family all of the thirty times per day I’ve washed my hands for the past three weeks 
• “Imagine being an animal and having a human give you an ultrasound” — heard in the library
• “That was really loud so maybe turn your voice down a little” — heard from a parent on a video call 
• “We are in purgatory” — heard from me by the giant dancing Smurfs outside my ballet dressing room at the day the first COVID-19 cases were confirmed in the region
• “Toilet paper is TP and paper towels are PT…that’s crazy!!!” — heard in the empty paper products aisle in Stop and Shop
• “Want to see a video of me playing Feed the Birds on the piano” — heard by everyone in my contacts list
• “Remember when I thought I wanted to be an endocrinologist? That might have been a good move” — heard from a general practitioner