The Greylock Eggplant
April 1, 2020
Welcome to the 2020 edition of the Greylock Eggplant. We recognize how hard it will be to compete with the joys and triumphs 2020 has brought, but we thought we’d give it a shot.
Due to the recent stock market crash, the Greylock Eggplant has found themselves 50 cents short of being able to pull off a print edition. Unfortunately, the Eggplant’s budget has been slashed in half due to their poorly timed investment in the airline industry. Thanks a lot, Charlie. And to think, Clara even suggested an investment in cleaning products. We also like astrology now? 2020’s been a wild year — as the stars predicted. Thanks for reading, Capricorns! And Libras, please hold your judgment. It’s been a long month.
1 in 650: An Interview with Mt. Greylock Regional School
Echo: Wow. Hi. It’s good to finally speak with you.
MG Building: Well, it’s good to finally be speaking [Hacks loudly into recording device].
E: So, what is it like being a building?
MG: [Sighs heavily] It’s not as easy as everyone thinks. I mean, there are literally hundreds of people inside me almost every day, and that’s pretty exhausting. Like I’m sheltering them from everything outside of me, but I’m experiencing the rain, sleet, snow, and bird poop 24/7. So yeah, I’d say definitely not easy.
E: Okay so I-
MG: Actually the opposite of easy, whatever that is.
E: Could You-
MG: Hard. That’s what being a building is; hard. There’s the word I was looking for.
E: I can imagine having this break must be a little strange. Did you have any idea of the possibility of school, or I guess you, closing because of The Coronavirus?
MG: Well you know, I had heard snippets of conversations teachers were having, but I hadn’t really been following the news. As you can imagine, it’s pretty hard for a building to read. So it did come as a bit of a shock to me.
E: How does it feel to be empty for so long?
MG: I feel…[thinks for the next minute or so, sighing every few seconds] I feel empty. Yeah. Empty for sure. I’ve been empty for longer periods of time, like in the summer, but this just all came about so suddenly. So yeah, definitely empty. Don’t get me wrong, though. I am incredibly grateful for this break. I honestly don’t know what I would have done if I had to deal with those hooligans for one more week.
E: When you say “hooligans,” do you mean the students?
MG: The students. The teachers, the staff, the administration. All of them.
E: Do you have something against them?
MG: Well I mean, I just hate children in general. I can’t stand them.
E: And the adults?
MG: Oh, I don’t believe in education. So I’m not a huge fan of teachers and the administration.
E: I’m sorry? You don’t believe in-
MG: Education. I guess I would say that I just don’t see the point of it. It’s all just a little too much for me. I’m actually an avid supporter of radical unschooling, which means I feel children should never learn. Because, well, it ruins their minds.
E: I’m not sure that’s exactly what unschooling is.
MG: [Silence] Potato, patato, right?
E: Okay anyways, could you comment on the, um, issues relating to your plumbing?
MG: Ah yes, that. I had hoped you wouldn’t ask. To be honest, I’m quite embarrassed. It makes me incredibly self conscious, because it’s just like, problem after problem. First it was the flooding, then the exploding of pipes. And yes, some of this is my fault, but it’s also those rotten kids. When my pipe exploded, it was partly me, but like, who tries to stuff utensils down a toilet? But yeah, it makes me feel pretty bad about myself. I’m a very new building, but somehow I’m functioning like my former self.
E: Your former self?
MG: Yes. You see, the old Mount Greylock building had a different mind and physical appearance than me, but we share the same soul. So really, the two buildings are both myself.
E: I see, so-
MG: It’s a sort of reincarnation thing, which I know is like a big thing with you humans. But I truly feel that I have been many, many different buildings.
E: I can imagine you’ve experienced some health epidemics in all your different lives, but Covid-19 must still be pretty crazy for you. In what ways has it affected you?
MG: With all the kids gone, I feel a little like I don’t really have a purpose anymore, which is pretty belittling. So it’s been a tough mental struggle for me. Luckily, I don’t think any buildings have gotten the Coronavirus yet. But again, I’m not a big news reader.
E: I’m fairly sure buildings can’t get it, so you’re safe.
MG: Oh great, great.
E: So, what have you been doing to keep yourself busy during this break?
MG: I mean, I’m doing the pretty obvious activities: watching movies, reading, cooking. But I also absolutely love doing legos, and this is a great opportunity to really spend some time on this hobby. You know how little kids love playing with dolls? Well similarly, I enjoy playing with miniature buildings; they remind me of myself. So I’ve mainly been working on that.
E: Sounds like fun. I just have one more question: if you weren’t a school, what would you want to be?
MG: I’ve actually thought about this a lot, so I’m really glad you asked that question. If I had to stay as a building, I would want to be like a model for paintings. All of my favorite paintings have just beautiful buildings in them. The Rouen Cathedral by Claude Monet, for example. San Giorgio Maggiore At Dusk, also by Monet. Big fan of him. Oh, and American Gothic. The people kind of creep me out, but the building behind them is incredible. If I could be a human though, then I would definitely be a singer. Taylor Swift is my idol. Love her, love her music, love everything about her. When she sang “Baby I could build a castle out of all the bricks you threw at me,” I really got that.
E: Any last words?
MG: I guess just that sometimes people don’t see me as something with thoughts and feelings, but I do have them. So keep that in mind.
Teachers – They’re Just Like Us!
With the sudden closure of school for three weeks due to concerns surrounding the COVID-19 outbreak, students and their families are looking for ways to keep quarantine entertaining and avoid boredom. However, Mount Greylock teachers are having no trouble keeping themselves busy.
The English department has started its own virtual book club, helping them pass the time as they explore modern literature. The first book they are reading is 50 Shades of Grey, after which they hope to watch the movie. Mrs. Cook, an eighth grade and sophomore Honors English teacher, said, “We are really trying to tap into books that are relevant to our teenage audience. I hope it’s an interesting read!” Sources close to the department say that the Twilight series is next on the docket. Will the teachers be team Edward or team Jacob? Only time will tell.
In the math department, calculus teacher Robert Thistle is having a very stressful quarantine. The beloved teacher has long been famously found on Google Earth, a fact he points out to his classes every year. However, that is about to change. Thistle said, “I have just received news that Google is once again updating Google Earth, putting my famous appearance in jeopardy.” He has decided there is only one logical course of action: wait out on the street and chase the Google cars in a desperate attempt to get on Google Earth once more. To keep himself relaxed, he is listening to Mac Miller and his newfound love, One Direction. Thistle said, “After digging myself a deep hole when asking if One Direction is still relevant, I decided to listen myself. They’re my new favorite thing!”
Former NASA scientist Shawn Burdick has decided that Earth is no longer safe due to coronavirus concerns. “I have decided to leave my teaching career,” said Burdick. “I am once again going to work for NASA as space appears to be the safest.” Any day now, he will be leaving Earth aboard a NASA space shuttle to do scientific research on Mars. However, many reports reveal he has no intention of coming back.
With NASA Chief Rocket Scientist (Ret.) Burdick out of the way, Chemistry teacher Faith Manary is plotting to take over Dr. B’s job. After all, she has always said physics is her true passion. On the side, she plans to create a vaccine for the coronavirus herself, having recognized the impotence of the government. In between her plotting and planning, Manary is filming video lectures. Her cats make several cameos.
Just like many high school students, teachers have decided to binge-watch their favorite Netflix shows. Spanish teacher Ms. Vigeant can’t stop watching Jane the Virgin. Coach Jutras is watching The Bachelor, while Mr. Johnson is brushing up on his culinary skills with the Great British Baking Show. Tom O has hopped on the bandwagon and is watching Love is Blind, and yes, he is contemplating trying out the social experiment on his soccer team to add some variety to team bonding. Mr. Welch is watching Glee to get his musical fix.
Families across the country have been rushing to the grocery stores to make larger and larger purchases in the event of shelter in place orders or self imposed quarantine if they fell ill. Mr. Belouin bought out Walmart, Stop & Shop, Big Y, Market 32, and BJs in order to have plenty of his one essential: Doritos.
Worried about hospital conditions amid the COVID-19 outbreak, pregnant teachers are making sure they are prepared as possible for whatever is ahead. Health and Biology teacher Ms. Starz has taken to watching Grey’s Anatomy to educate herself in the event that hospitals are overloaded and she has to deliver her baby on her own. After all, Grey’s Anatomy is such an accurate representation of all real-life scenarios. Starz said, “Unprecedented times call for unprecedented measures. One can never be too prepared!”
English teacher Kellie Houle is very worried about being at home with all of her family under one roof. Seeing as she teaches Lord of the Flies to her ninth-grade students year after year, she is contemplating whether her personality will morph into a Jack, a Ralph, or a Piggy if the situation in the house escalates to a breaking point.
The administration is honestly enjoying the time off. Assistant Principal Jacob Schutz, after having to deal with clementines and forks being shoved down the toilet, is glad to have a breath of fresh air that cannot currently be found at Mount Greylock. Principal Mary MacDonald is stress baking, which has turned into a really sweet act of kindness for her neighbors. MacDonald said, “If I’m going to be so stressed about such a cataclysmic event, I might as well help others profit from it. After all, stressed is just desserts spelled backward.”
While the students have been sitting at home bored, the teachers have found ways to keep themselves infinitely busy. Let’s hope Mr. Thistle finds his way onto Google Earth, Dr. B safely gets to space, and Ms. Starz finds all the medical information she could want from Meredith Grey!
Six COVID-19 Problems and Possible Solutions
The Eggplant knows that this is a tough time for Greylock students, and we also understand that problems rarely have a one size fits all solution. As such, we’ve decided to give three possible solutions for six potential problems, just so you can keep your options open. If you want to send us other solutions, just remember that ours are probably better and you’re not that smart.
(EDITOR’S NOTE: If you couldn’t tell from the above, Tucker-Smith is an Aries)
Problem: My senior trip to Boston was canceled. I really wanted to go to Boston.
- Solution 1: As a Western Mass native, I can tell you that Eastern Mass has always and will always deserve to burn. Boston is pretentious. Louis C.K. grew up in Boston, and look how that turned out.
- Solution 2: Why go to Boston when you can make Boston come to you? Spring Street becomes Boston Commons, Margaret Lindley beach becomes Boston harbor, and Mt. Greylock’s co-football team is pretty similar to the Patriots now that Brady left. Replace Boston seafood with Western Mass Puerto Rican food (I watched a TikTok which claimed that Western Mass and Northern Connecticut are known for Puerto Rican food. Don’t question it.) Williams and Harvard are equivalent because all colleges are the same without students.
- Solution 3: Watch Spotlight, a GREAT journalism movie which should extinguish your Boston dreams and ignite your Echo aspirations. (Please ignore that the vast majority of this movie is set in Boston.)
Problem: I already bought a prom dress/tux, and now prom may be canceled so I won’t be able to use it.
- Solution 1: Take your dress to the Clark and try to fit it on one of the cows. If you bought two dresses, you can give another cow the udder dress.
- Solution 2: Launch your modeling career. Put on your dress/tux, watch a few seasons of America’s Next Top Model (this is an important prerequisite only if you have not been to an America’s Next Top Model birthday party in the past few years like me). Then prop your phone up on the windowsill where there’s some good lighting, put on the timer, and pose. The Eggplant is happy to transition to Greylock Vogue if you submit your photos.
- Solution 3: Send your dress/tux to Eggplant staff. We’ll pay you with a job on our staff!
Problem: I’m worried that colleges closing down will mean that I won’t be able to see colleges before applying. Also, the SATs are being canceled, and I’m generally concerned that my application process is going to be a mess.
- Solution 1: Get in a boat, have your friend take pictures of you rowing, and have your rich mother bribe the crew coach at USC. You’re sidestepping the need for college tours/standardized tests, and we promise you that USC will get you out of all of the harsh winters your NESCAC friends will experience.
- Solution 2: Watch the first two seasons of Gossip Girl. Trust me on this one.
- Solution 3: Eat nutella crepes and cry while you watch virtual tours that may or may not be computer animations.
Problem: My graduation is probably going to be virtual, and that sucks.
- Solution 1: Oh no. Instead of getting to sit through a three-hour ceremony, you have to play Animal Crossing on your phone while your peers and principal tell you how proud they are of you. You’re in your “rock star” geology pajamas, eating peanut butter and banana toast, sprawled out on the couch, watching the ceremony on the new laptop that your grandparents bought for you for your graduation, which you don’t even have to go to. Your diploma is virtual and has Parks and Rec gifs in the corners. Poor thing.
- Solution 2: Virtual graduation = less consequences if you make a scene. Have a new fire mixtape you’ve been working on that you just can’t wait to show to all your classmates’ moms? Feel like the Renegade dance that you spent the first 72 hours of quarantine learning isn’t being put to good use? Challenge accepted? Yeah, OK. You go girl.
- Solution 3: If your internet “accidentally,” breaks, that’s not your fault. Go skydiving instead.
Problem: You miss your friends.
- Solution 1: Go on a walk with them. If you mean you miss lying on the floor with your friends as you watch stupid TV and eat veggie sticks, wasting all your money to eat skillet cookies with your friends and talk about your feelings, and filming indoor music videos with your friends… then yeah, valid. I feel the same way.
- Solution 2: Stalk your friends. Leave encrypted notes on their windows. Scatter a literal bread crumb path that leads from their bedroom to, idk, their attic. If you can’t less-than-six-feet ‘em, spook ‘em! I don’t know why I feel like this could be fun.
- Solution 3: Become friends with the characters in Sex Education or another binge-worthy show. I can tell you that Maeve and I kind of have a unique bond.
Problem: The Coronavirus outbreak is scaring you.
Yeah, it’s pretty scary. This is an unprecedented time, and it’s ok to be terrified. Please remember that the way for us to get out of this mess is to listen to the message that medical professionals are communicating: that social distancing will dramatically shape the scope and rate that this virus spreads. If you want to talk to someone about the virus and how it’s making you feel, the Eggplant has people who want to listen to you! Hit us up at firstname.lastname@example.org (email@example.com was already taken lol).
Sticker Wars: Thistle vs Larabee
In a conflict as old as time itself, mathematics teacher Robert Thistle and substitute teacher Margaret Larabee have been in a head to head battle of sticker distribution. Things got heated during an interview on March 10th between the two teachers, when they accused each other of sticker theft.
Mr. Thistle’s promise of stickers for every student who receives a 90% or above on exams has been the key motivation for many students. “The only reason I even decided to take calculus was for his stickers!” said Leo Anthony Welch.
However, some students complained that his stash of stickers has gotten increasingly dull over the years.
“I cannot believe that he had the audacity to give me just a simple smiley face,” Pisces Mackenzie Sheehy said. “I didn’t sacrifice Bachelor Monday to study for my test only to get that lame two dimensional sticker! He may as well have given me a frowny face!”
Larabee, on the other hand, has been making a regular appearance at the New England Sticker convention, as to only distribute the finest crafted stickers for her students. Unlike Thistle, Larabee hands out stickers to anyone and everyone; there is no qualifying standard.
As Libra Kyle Trottier said, “although I would never want a teacher to be sick, if I see Ms. Larabee in a classroom, I get so excited! Her stickers are the absolute best!”
Although both teachers may seem like kind-hearted people in the classroom, when it comes to stickers, it’s no time to mess around.
“I’ve had Ms. Larabee as a sub a few times, and she always seems really quiet and chill, but when I was on my way to practice after school, I honestly didn’t recognise her,” an anonymous student said. “I heard screaming coming from the teacher’s lounge and when I peaked in, she and Mr. Thistle were fuming!”
Drama ensued when Thistle gave away a limited edition, gold encrusted, puffy, Bob The Builder sticker to lucky student Kate Swann after she aced her precalculus midterm. After receiving the sticker, Kate wore it to English class where Ms. Larabee was subbing for Ms. Cook, who was out at a WhiteTiger Book Signing.
Swann (Libra) said, “we were just going through the attendance list, and my golden sticker must have blinded Ms. Larabee because next thing I knew she was screaming and holding her head! I’ve never seen her in such a riot!”
As it turns out, Larabee was not blinded, but was rather exasperated at the sight of Kate’s sticker.
Larabee said, “That was my sticker! I stood in line at the New England Sticker convention for 47 hours to get it, and it went missing last week! It’s obvious that Mr. Thistle stole it!”
When confronted, Thistle simply explained that he had gotten the sticker himself. He said, “few people know this about me, but the character Bob The Builder is actually based on me! The producers of the film gave it to me as a ‘thank you’ for being their inspiration. In fact, I find it hard to believe that Ms. Larabee ever had one!”
When questioned about why he gave up his precious sticker to Kate, he said, “I gave it to Kate because she was so deserving of it!”
The possible sticker theft is not where the drama subsided. Last Thursday, Thistle entered his classroom to find that his smartboard was entirely covered in stickers. When questioned, Larabee admitted to committing this act of vandalism.
“I was just so upset because I thought he stole the sticker,” said Larabee.
The case remains unresolved, but even throughout the drama, the battlefield remains neck and neck. In a recent survey, the polls came back 50/50 in response to the question, “who distributes the best stickers? Thistle vs Larabee.”
After the Eggplant staff delved deeper into the statististics, 98% of the people who voted for Thistle were Calculus/Pre-Calculus students, meaning that generally, Mr. Thistle’s students are loyal to their teacher.
It seems as though each year the teachers continue to upstage each other day after day. Even through all the drama of the past week, both sides admire each other for their work in the field of stickery.
Nearly in tears, Thistle said, “I’m so grateful to have a coworker who continues to push me day after day to be the best sticker distributor that I can. Without the competitiveness between Ms. Larabee and I, I wouldn’t be nearly as motivated to provide the best stickers for my students that I can.”
Larabee added, “I’m so glad that I’ve found someone who I can share my love of stickers with!”
Students so Bored They Begin to do Homework
As of March 25th, Massachusetts schools are to be closed until May 4th. Despite this prolonged period of time away from school, Greylock teachers are determined not to let COVID-19 disrupt the fun of the classroom. “While we recognize that the classroom environment is different now,” said Taurus Joseph Johnson, “we are determined to keep students intellectually stimulated by assigning a moderate amount of homework.”
Johnson himself has asked Spanish students to use the language-learning app Duolingo to continue their academic pursuits. Johnson said that “It really isn’t that different [from actual school]. Plus the art style is enchanting…”
In addition to completing the Spanish courses on Duolingo, Johnson has asked that students also learn French, Russian, Chinese, Turkish, Hebrew, Hindi, Swahili, and Navajo. While students are not officially asked to learn Romanian, Johnson says that it might help on the final exam.
English teachers are also having difficulty keeping their students engaged during this break. “Class discussions are vital to the curriculum,” says Aquarius Matthew Fisher. “If we don’t painstakingly pick apart each word in a book, students might actually have fun reading them.” For Fisher’s Honors Tolkien class, social distancing means weekly sentence-by-sentence analyses of The Two Towers, which are then peer reviewed and edited. “Given the depth that these books possess, this assignment really should not be that hard.” The Echo would like it to be noted that The Two Towers is 300 pages long.
Scorpio Tom Ostheimer, AP Psych teacher, has requested that his students reread the entire textbook. When asked if this was a doable task, Ostheimer explained, “Students don’t come to school for social interaction. The only thing that keeps these children engaged and learning is the homework. And we teachers refuse to let them down. They should be thanking us.”
Some students really are thanking their teachers for this influx in assignments. “You know, I never had enough time to do homework,” says Cancer Nicole Overbaugh. “But now that sports are postponed, activities are cancelled, and the only people I’m allowed to see are my family, I have nothing but time!”
Students’ responses to the homework seemed to be overwhelmingly positive. In fact, the demand for more homework assignments almost outweighs Walmarts demand for toilet paper. “I don’t know what to do,” says Leo Faith Manary. “Twenty of my students turned in their practice problems in under an hour. This is unprecedented.”
As the situation unfolds, the Eggplant promises to continue honest and dedicated reporting.
To Do While in Quarantine
- Try not to kill your family.
- Watch water droplets race down the window like you did when you were five because that’s literally the only sport that’s on.
- Lay out your yoga mat as if you were going to do yoga but then actually just do “final relaxation” for an hour
- FaceTime your friends but end up just staring at each other because there’s nothing to talk about because you’ve been in isolation for two weeks
- Spend half of the day sleeping and the other half washing your hands.
- Reach the bottom of the TikTok For You Page.
- Swear you’ll never actually make a TikTok but end up learning renegade in the first hour of quarantine.
- Make a goal to read five new books but actually just read the whole Harry Potter series (or Percy Jackson. Pick your fighter).
- Ignore every single screen time limit you ambitiously set yourself.
- Go on your third “walk around the neighborhood” of the day with your mom.
- Freak out over every tickle in your throat. Remember that it’s allergy season and calm down until the next time you have to blow your nose.
- Drink four glasses of Emergency-C an hour, as if that’s going to help.
- Click on someone’s Instagram story approximately three seconds after they posted it.
- STAY THE F*** HOME.
New MGRS Building… Functions?
It was 2:27 pm on Wednesday, April first. Students should’ve been pouring out of classrooms at Mount Greylock Regional School, on their way to the buses, sports practices, and other extracurricular activities. But today, there was only silence. Amid the closure of schools across the state during the COVID-19 outbreak, the foyer stood empty, save for Principal Mary MacDonald and an Echo reporter, positioned a healthy twelve feet apart. MacDonald glanced at her watch as the bell sounded to signal the end of the day and smiled.
The reason for the smile? The new Mount Greylock Regional School building, a sixty-four million dollar project that was planned for decades and took years to complete, had its first day without sewage system failings, pipes bursting, buckling sidewalks, or defective carpets. “The building works!” said MacDonald.
The costly project faced setbacks from the very beginning, including a number of delayed openings that resulted in the 2018 school year getting off to a late start. Since then, the school has needed new carpets, failed to get certification for new furniture, faced issues with the ventilation system that forced the school to close, and experienced multiple floods from faulty pipes and backed-up sewage systems.
According to MacDonald, the school had been preparing for this day for almost two years, using the last few weeks without students to sure up the structure of the school and hope for the best. Asked whether she thought the lack of students in the building contributed to the school’s record day, MacDonald said, “Look. They just don’t build them like they used to. We’ve just got to be a little more careful, and if that means no students, then we just have to say no students–it wasn’t built to handle that kind of thing.” MacDonald added, “But I, for one, am incredibly proud of how far we’ve come, and am incredibly happy to be in this new building.”
MacDonald wasn’t the only one pleased with the new building. Two students, obviously Aries, who wished to remain anonymous because they feared retaliation from the school administration, shared MacDonald’s excitement, although for different reasons. “The old school just didn’t have the tendency to spontaneously breakdown when you threw one fork in the urinal or shoved a clementine down the toilet. This building keeps you on your toes and is a lot more fun to mess with.” The second student added that “It’s nice to know I can get out of a test just about anytime I want by shoving a wad of paper towels down the toilet. You really didn’t have that sense of security in the old building.”
As the Echo reporter wrapped up his interview with MacDonald and walked out of the building, MacDonald could be heard cursing into her walkie-talkie behind him. Seconds later, the half-complete district office building burst into flames. Oh well. It was a good run.
The Journey of a Cafeteria Fork
Before Friday the 13th, the life of a Mount Greylock cafeteria fork was quite mundane. Then, everything changed.
After being snatched from the school cafeteria’s gray, plastic bucket, a fork’s daily routine took a spin… quite literally. Accompanied by various fruits, wads of paper towels, and other utensils, an unsuspecting victim was sucked into Mount Greylock’s sewer system with a mere push of a button. Sources are unsure of the duration of the fork’s imprisonment within the pipes, though a series of issues were quick to ensue.
“The impact a piece of silverware can have on the entire school is unreal,” attested a Greylock student. Shortly after being sucked into the bowels of the sewage pipes, chaos, in this case sewage, arose. Gushing into the right academic wing at a rapid rate, the foul liquid led to a rancid smell which greeted students and staff Friday morning. Frantically, staff rushed students with affected classes to the cafeteria. In the wake of a possible closing due to COVID-19, students were eager to leave school as fast as the seemingly harmless fork had been flushed down one of Greylock’s toilets. For many Greylock students, the fork which caused such disruption can be revered as an unexpected hero, saving them from a dreaded test or assignment; for administrators however, the fork will go down in infamy.
In addition to their role as unseen heroes, Greylock’s utensils travel well beyond the walls of the school. An army of forty-nine gathers at an anonymous sophomore student’s residency, gaining members at a frequent rate. The student admits, “almost everyday I bring a fork or spoon home.” Many students boast armies of cafeteria utensils at home; one student last year returned almost one hundred forks and spoons at the end of the year.
As many of our readers can agree, a cafeteria fork or spoon is unmistakable; the minimalist design coupled with a bendable metal composition distinguishes Greylock’s silverware from any other. “There is nothing like finding a fork from the school when setting the table,” explained a junior at Greylock.
The Smell: a KLOGG Investigation
On Friday the 13th of March, students at Mount Greylock reported an overwhelming stench upon entering the building. Investigations revealed that the first odor came from the bathroom near the lunch room, where oranges and forks were found shoved down a toilet.
The silent shover had struck again.
The bathroom near the math classes had been similarly assaulted. Sewage water had spilled everywhere. Teachers evacuated the classrooms.
The smell? Repugnant.
A group of students walked in the front door, where Principal MacDonald stopped them. The news was out. All classes on the first floor were moved to the cafeteria and auditorium.
“I didn’t know what to do. That hallway was the best! The math classes were unavailable and it was a nightmare,” said Taurus Annie Art. “I can’t describe what was going through my mind. I don’t even know who I am without math class.”
Keeping Lavatories Open by Getting Gossip (KLOGG) has been asking students and teachers for information on these matters. This organization is run by members of the Eggplant Detective staff.
An anonymous teacher told KLOGG that the incident on March 13th was a paper towel fiasco. An unnamed student had consciously decided to shove countless paper towels down the toilet after using the bathroom, flush the toilet, and run. If this student is found, the police department does plan to press “Shove and Run” charges.
Another source told KLOGG that a student boycotting their Pre-Calc lesson flushed all their teachers’ calculators down the academic wing’s first floor toilets.
“I can’t believe anyone would do that,” said Art. “The poor precious TI-30XIIS.”
In a survey completed by KLOGG, only ten percent of students believe that spoons will be next. Forty-five percent said it will be clothing items, and the other ninety percent think that it will be tests and notes.
Other smells have been reported recently at Mount Greylock, but KLOGG has no reason to believe it was the silent shover.
News in Brief, plus some other stuff
MG reveals that recent sewage problems, not coronavirus, is the true reason behind the shortage of paper products in Williamstown. At this point, authorities believe that the blockage was caused by students flushing eighty percent of Williamstown’s paper towels down the toilets. The remaining twenty percent and the entirety of the town’s toilet paper were consumed in the ensuing clean up.
Science teacher Sue Strizzi has spent the first two weeks of this time off becoming fluent in Latin. She has decided that memorizing the endings of all third declension nouns will take less time than explaining that “Mr. Z” and “Ms. Strizzi” are distinct names and entirely different people. Say them out loud ten times fast and you’ll understand.
Parents of upperclassmen are starting to panic as, for the third week in a row, their virtual Tuesday lunch meetings have been interrupted by their kids standing on the table, stating the day of the week, and encouraging them to “get going.” The meetings reportedly cannot resume until every participant on the Zoom call applauds.
Things we’ve done to avoid writing Echo articles (we get to the writing eventually, because most of us are Aries)
- Do homework
- Read the New York Times
- Clean room
- Scroll through social media
- Watch Netflix
- Do mini crosswords
- Create mini crossword competition spreadsheet
- Watch Parks and Rec
- Assign Parks and Rec characters to editors
- Send Parks and Rec gifs accordingly
- Read the Mueller report
- Stand in front of a mirror and take a long, hard look at yourself
- Solve world hunger
- Learn to knit
- Cut old Echos into snowflakes
- Watch every single Washington Post Tik Tok in one night
- Submit New Yorker cartoon captions
- Rate others’ New Yorker cartoon captions
- Solve Middle Eastern conflicts (all)
- Make a list of our favorite Taylor Swift songs
- Make a list of things we’ve done procrastinating writing Echo articles
- “Nobody is worried about global warming anymore because of coronavirus” — heard while wearing shorts on a 70 degree day in early March
- The bridge of Cruel Summer, which is exactly 20 seconds – heard by my family all of the thirty times per day I’ve washed my hands for the past three weeks
- “Imagine being an animal and having a human give you an ultrasound” — heard in the library
- “That was really loud so maybe turn your voice down a little” — heard from a parent on a video call
- “We are in purgatory” — heard from me by the giant dancing Smurfs outside my ballet dressing room at the day the first COVID-19 cases were confirmed in the region
- “Toilet paper is TP and paper towels are PT…that’s crazy!!!” — heard in the empty paper products aisle in Stop and Shop
- “Want to see a video of me playing Feed the Birds on the piano” — heard by everyone in my contacts list
- “Remember when I thought I wanted to be an endocrinologist? That might have been a good move” — heard from a general practitioner